Cloud's Guide to FF7 Characters
by Aeriths-Rain
Summary: Cloud writes a letter to himself, trying to divide his memories from Zack's.
1. SOLDIER

**AN:** This is for my friend Sophie, who wanted to know what me and ShadowHaloedAngel were going on about with final fantasy 7. This is based on our version of it, so it isn't entirely accurate.  
**Warnings:** Bad language, gay lesbian and straight pairings, mentions of abuse and prostitution.

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I don't even know why I'm doing this. Well, I do, but I think that it's a silly idea. I wouldn't tell Tifa that though, or she'll yell at me. She's scary when she yells. It was from a book she got about dealing with dementia, but I don't have dementia. I have more than one set of memories, and I don't think they write books about coping with that. It isn't schizophrenia though – Yuffie suggested that I take medication for that and I got angry. I'm not insane. I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of what has happened to me, but I'm not insane.

Anyway, the idea is that I write out what I know about everyone. Me, not Zack. I have to try and separate my mind from that of my best friend... This is being written just for me. When it's finished I think I'll burn it. I don't want the others to know what it is that I think of them. I guess I'd better start with myself.

I'm Cloud Strife. I used to think that I was a first class SOLDIER, but it turns out I was nothing more than a ShinRa grunt, cannon fodder. ShinRa was the company I admired, the group that everyone admired. They ruled the world, and me, a little country boy, signed up to try and become a hero. Only it didn't work out. We got sent to my home village, Niebelhiem, me, my hero, my best friend and a few others, and my village was burnt down. I was captured, tortured. I only survived because of Zack. I became bitter against the company that betrayed me. I joined AVALANCE, a group of terrorists. I saved the world twice, and now I have a kind of family and a delivery service. I guess it's not bad for cannon fodder.

I guess the next person to mention would be Tifa. She's been my friend from childhood. My only friend. I was always bullied, and she was the local rich girl. Sometimes she talked to me, and I was grateful for that, it was all I knew. I promised to protect her. Then I left and found Zack, and learnt what real friendship was. I met Tifa again in the Niebelhiem fire, and then when I joined AVALANCHE. She helped me a lot. We'd both grown up a lot since we were children. I think seeing our homes burn to the ground helped with that.

Before I continue, I'd better speak about my hero. The one who destroyed my home and family. The one I've defeated twice, but that I can never truly kill, no matter what I do. Sephiroth. When I was a boy, I had pictures of him on my wall. He was my hero. He was so brave, so strong. Then he found out that he was created from a monster, monster's cells. Jenova. She was an alien from space, and that knowledge drove him insane.

After I thought I'd gotten rid of him the first time, three of his remnants returned. Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. Loz was the oldest, dumb and clumsy but immensely strong, kind and tender in his own way. Out of all three of them, he was the one I liked the most, though we only met in battle. Yazoo was beautiful, a brilliant shot, and trained at seduction. I couldn't stand to look at him, he reminded me of the crush I had had on Sephiroth as a teenager. Then Kadaj. Kadaj was a little boy, looking for his mother, lost in a world that was too difficult for him. He was lost, but brilliant, a genius that put the minds of the rest of the world to shame. If it wasn't for the fact he was devoted to Jenova, he could have changed the world. As it was, he brought it close to destruction and in the end I had to destroy him. I still have nightmares about his death, but I pray that he has found peace in the lifestream.

There's one man I know found peace in the lifestream, someone who is so important to me that he is part of me. Zack. Zack Fair, SOLDIER first class and a hero. My first true friend, and someone that I loved. Really loved, in a way that most people couldn't understand. He helped me, kept me alive through torture that nearly destroyed me. He gave his life for me, told me to live on in his place. He carried me across half the world when I was too catatonic to even eat unaided. He never once complained. Always with a huge smile on his face, and his eyes bright with hope. His nickname was puppy, and if you spoke to him, you could see why. He was never was still. He was always bouncing, moving. Even in the mako tube where he was imprisoned, suffocated by the goo that kept him trapped, his fingers wriggled. He truly was just like a puppy.

I don't know that much about the man who gave Zack that nickname. I remember a lot about him, but they aren't my memories. They're Zack's. That man was Angeal, a hero, an honourable man. He was kind and tender, and in the end what had happened became too much for him. He too had Jenova cells, and they turned him into a monster. In the end, he'd made Zack kill him. It had broken Zack's heart.

Zack wasn't the only one that Angeal's death had broken. It broke Genesis as well. Genesis was another experiment, and a poetry obsessive. He always carried a volume of Loveless with him, quoting it at any opportunity. He, Angeal and Sephiroth were the SOLDIER Generals, the leaders of the most powerful military force the world had ever seen. He was also Angeal's best friend since childhood, and they were lovers. He couldn't face life without the one that kept him sane. He went mad, and he ended up a prisoner in ShinRa's laboratories.

Just thinking about this makes me feel sick. I'm going to leave this here for today, it's too much to deal with. I'll carry on with it soon, but for now I'm going to go out, and make my deliveries. I'm going to carry on with my life, and give my thoughts time to sort themselves out. I think Tifa was right. My memories are already clearer. I'm just not sure if I want them to be.


	2. AVALANCHE

**AN:** Sorry for the slow update, I've been really busy with exams, but now should be updating more regularly. I think I'm going to finish this fic (just one more chapter), then go back to the rest.  
**Summary:** Cloud continues to examine the figures from his past, trying to understand who he truly is.

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I've given it some time, and I think I'm ready to face the next batch of memories. I'm making it easier on myself this time, I'm going to focus on AVALANCHE, on those who are my friends and who Zack had no knowledge of. After the difficulties of the last set, remembering all that had happened, the fire, the labs, I'm going to take it easy. There's still ShinRa to do, and some of them have Zack's very strongest memories attached, but for now, I'm giving myself a break and focussing on those that I know best.

Before I begin, there is one more member of SOLDIER I forgot to mention. I will deal with him first, though I don't believe many of the thoughts about him are mine. Having Zack's soul entwined with mine for so long has left my thoughts unclear, so I may have met him and forgotten. Zack's memories about the past are a lot stronger than my own. This man was Lazard Descarius, a beautiful and kind-hearted man. He was ShinRa's illegitimate son, born and raised in the slums. He'd been looked after there though, and when he joined the company his father ensured he rapidly rose up the ranks. He wasn't an ordinary SOLDIER, he was their director, sending them out on missions and fretting until they returned.

He never forgot where he came from or who he was, and would do what he could to alleviate the slummers suffering – sending SOLDIER on training missions to kill the monsters that hid in the darkness, snatching young children and devouring them. Lazard was a good man, like Angeal, and like Angeal the Jenova cells destroyed him. He was graceful in his death though, and it gave Zack a sense of hope which Angeal's death had stolen from him.

Right, I think that's all for now. Well, all of SOLDIER at least. I don't think any of my memories of Lazard are mine, but I still want to acknowledge that he existed. I don't want him to be forgotten. I'd like to keep Zack's memories, just for them to be less overwhelming than they are now.

Onto AVALANCHE. We were a terrorist group, but now we're viewed as heroes. Me, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red, Vincent, Yuffie, Cait and Aerith. Well, I guess there's only one person I could start with here, Barrett. He's the leader of our group, and when you first meet him he's terrifying. He shouts, barks orders, and one of his arms is a gun. You don't want to get on the wrong side of him. I really must remember to destroy this when I've finished writing it, he might not like what I'm saying. Anyway, whilst Barrett is absolutely terrifying at times, he is also a surprisingly kind man, and genuinely committed to saving the planet. Now that our fight is over, he's researching the use of oil as an alternative fuel source. He didn't just lead us so he could have his own personal army, he lead us so that he could do what he believed in.

He's a good father too, devoted to his adoptive daughter Marlene. He shows her a gentle tenderness the rest of the world wouldn't even believe in. She's only young, but she's smart, she has been helping Tifa run our bar since she was four. She reminds me a lot of Aerith... but those memories can be dealt with later. Marlene lives with me and Tifa now, while her dad's off scouring the world for fuel sources. She gets a phone call from him every night, and she's not alone. Me and Tifa take care of lots of the orphans in the slums, most of whom have never known care at all before. We try and look after them, give them an alternative from the life of vice and crime which was their only option before. One boy, Denzel, lives with us permanently. We found him when he was sick with geostigma, an illness caused by the remnants, and his strength helped me carry on when I too was wracked in pain by the then-fatal disease. We both survived, and I think that Denzel has big plans for the rest of his life. He wants to be a SOLDIER, and work with Reeve.

Reeve is an unusual one of my friends. To start with, I wasn't sure what to make of him, I'm still not. He was employed by ShinRa, he kidnapped Marlene and threatened to hurt her if we didn't comply. He used his talking robotic cat, Cait Sith, to infiltrate our group, and betrayed us. But then he betrayed ShinRa, and now he's leading the WRO, who are trying to get the world back on track. As for kidnapping Marlene – whilst we were lead to believe she was being tortured, and Barrett very nearly murdered everyone in ShinRa he was so frantic with worry, the girl had a great time. We got her home, and before we'd even worked out that she was unharmed she was begging to be allowed to go and play with Uncle Reeve again. Turns out, he's not a bad guy after all. He's weird, and has few friends, but he's brilliant with children and tries to fix things that are broken. I think even Barrett forgave him when Marlene said about how wonderful a time she had had.

I guess next I can deal with Cid. He's our pilot, a rugged mechanic with a foul mouth and an obsession with drinking tea. He also smokes, which always strikes me as a bad idea when he's near fuel almost constantly. He shares Reeve's affinity for machines, without having Reeve's need to give them personalities, and despite being loud spoken he always supports his friends. He seems the most fatherly of our group, gruff but very caring, always willing to help those in need. He takes care of the loner of our group, Vincent. He fights using a spear, which took some getting used to – I kept forgetting to duck when he twirled it around, and lost a few hair spikes, but I'm used to his unusual fighting style now.

One person I don't think I'll ever get used to is Yuffie. For a start, she fights by throwing a giant four-pointed star. It means that if she misses, she's suddenly without a weapon, and the enemy has a giant star which they can throw back at her. But she's good. She's a Wutaian princess, and only a teenager, the youngest of our strange family, not counting the children. She seems to split her time between complaining about how unfair it is that Tifa's well endowed and she isn't, and stealing materia. I can't quite understand the fascination the shiny globes hold for her, but it makes her happy. I met her when she stole my entire group's materia and we had to chase her, but she gave it back in the end. Zack had met her before then, when she was a little girl. He'd been sent to clear out the complex she was hiding in during the Wutai war. At only seven, she'd run up to him and tried to fight him, punching the SOLDIER who was almost two and a half times her height. He'd surrendered to her and she ran off, somehow surviving the war that destroyed almost all of her country. She often gets crushes on other members of the group, and is currently stalking Vincent. It's alright, I'm sure he can outrun her if he needs to.

Almost all of AVALANCHE done now. Just three more members. Since we've already gone over the talking cat, I guess the talking dog is next. I really hope Nanaki doesn't find out I called him that. Nanaki, also known as Red XIII, was a prisoner of ShinRa's before we freed him. He is wise, older than any of the rest of us, yet for his race only a child. His race can live for hundreds of years, and he is alone. I hope that one day, somehow, he finds a companion. Often at night, when we were travelling together, I would see him and Vincent watching the stars, a sombre look upon their faces. I decided not to question them. I don't think I could cope with understanding their pain.

Aerith is another one who was ShinRa's prisoner. She was half Cetra, and for some strange reason the scientists were attempting to breed her with Red. I can't even imagine what the outcome of that would have been if it had worked out! Half human-half wolf babies would just be weird. Aerith was a very gentle soul, very kind and generous. She'd lived in the slums most of her life, working as a 'flower girl' and taking care of the children that lived there. She'd met Zack, and they quickly became friends, he'd do little tasks to try and help her out. She was such a child at heart. She died to save the planet, murdered by Sephiroth as she cast the spell which would defeat him. She was not a warrior, she was a natural healer, but I think she was the strongest of all of us. Her death hit all of us hard, but none harder than Tifa. She'd lost her best friend. Sometimes, when I'd see the two of them giggling together, or walking off hand in hand to bathe, I'd think there was something more, but I let Tifa keep her memories now. I won't disturb them by asking too many questions.

Whilst Aerith's death so young was awful, there is one member of our group I feel even more sorry for, one who will never die at all. Vincent Valentine. He was once a proud and skilled member of the Turks, a brilliant shot and a well respected man. Now he is convinced he has sinned, slowly being driven insane by the voices in his head. Whilst Aerith, Red, Zack and I, and though they did not mention it, also Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis, suffered at the scientist's hands, it is Vincent who endured the worst.

After he tried to protect his friend, Sephiroth's mother, he was shot. He was tortured, and to save his life a demon was implanted within his mind. Pleased with their success, the "doctors" had continued, implanting three more. He became immortal, his skin paled and he stopped aging. That wasn't all they did. His left arm is encased in a gauntlet to hide the damage that occurred, the skin stripped from the flesh in the name of research. Cid's the only one to see it uncovered, and he says it gave him nightmares. Vincent has nightmares too, he'd try to sleep separate from the rest of us so his screams didn't wake us. Cid would follow him to ensure he was alright. I think the mental scars are worse than the physical ones. For thirty years he was locked in the labs, placed in a coffin unless he was wanted for some reason or another. He doesn't want to talk about it.

I only spent five years in that place, but it was five years too long. I lost my mind, and it was Zack that got it back. Zack, Red and Aerith are the only ones who seemed to survive with their sanity intact. Zack managed because he's so strong and cheerful. I like to think that having me to live for helped, but he's so strong I think he'd have pulled through regardless. Red and Aerith had each other, and Aerith was so out of it anyway that I doubt she realised where she was. She spoke to the lifestream, and that gave her all the company she needed.

I think I'll leave it there for now. I know who has to come next, but the thought of writing his name, of thinking about him, sickens me. I'll return to this later, but now I'm going to take Marlene and Denzel out for some ice cream, and try to put my memories of the labs behind me. I'll face them when I feel braver.


	3. ShinRa

**AN: **The final chapter! I don't think I missed anyone major out, sorry if I have. I hope you all have enjoyed reading, and Sophie, I hope this makes it make more sense! (Note to anyone reading – only Cloud's memories of Reno are canonish, Reno's past is never stated. But this isn't entirely true to the series, just a rough outline of who's who for a friend.)  
**Warnings:** Bad language, gay lesbian and straight pairings, mentions of abuse, sadism and prostitution.

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I guess now I'm back from ice cream I'll have to face it. I've cleared my mind enough to remember, though I wish I couldn't. I'm lucky, I spent a lot of time under his "care" unconscious from pain. Zack wasn't so fortunate. He felt everything, suffered everything. I couldn't help. I couldn't even move. I just listened, hearing the screams of the best friend I had. It drove me to madness and I only just escaped.

Him. Hojo. He was the true monster behind all of this – behind Aerith and Nanaki's kidnap, Sephiroth's madness, Vincent's grief and eternal torture, Zack's death. Even my shattered mind. It's all down to him, and he did it all in the name of science, a smile on his face and a scalpel in his hand. I can remember being tied down, the blade running over then piercing my skin... I try not to remember. I don't want to be back there again. Not ever. That's another reason for me to never truly trust ShinRa. They sent me to him. No sane person would send another into Hojo's care. He robbed me of my youth. I went into those labs as a frightened, naive and distressed sixteen year old, and came out five years later catatonic, world weary, knowing far too much.

But then, President ShinRa wasn't a sane man. He was the one that had allowed the planet to be abused for our benefit. That wasn't all he violated and destroyed, the man took whatever he wanted, operating the harshest policies for the captured countries. Soon almost the entire world was enslaved by the company, bent to his will. He loved it, having everyone under his power, being able to control them. I only glimpsed him in my first parades as a ShinRa cadet, and he disgusted me. Zack was disgusted too, but it was a far deeper disgust. The President was fat from overeating, and still surrounded by the world's most beautiful women, all willing to do whatever he told them to for his money and their survival. He wouldn't stop, not until Sephiroth murdered him and ended it for good.

No wonder Rufus started out so fucked up. He was President ShinRa's son, and after the President's death took control. He demanded that he was called "President Rufus", trying to distance himself from his father's attitude. He had his own sins, captivated by his own idea of a better world, and so we fought against him. Now though, we've reached a stalemate, and he funds the WRO, but is still as cold and calm and collected as always. I had thought he was like his father, but due to Zack's memories and more recent experiences, I've begun to understand. He does want to make the world better, he just didn't know how. He was a very lonely boy, frightened by his father. He didn't know how to start a normal relationship, how to make friends or win people's respect. He's frightened. Deep down, sometimes I can see a child, and they're scared. They don't know what to do. They're still waiting for their mother, just like Sephiroth was. I think that there's a lot about Rufus that I don't know. That I don't want to know. When he came to power he removed many of his father's business friends from power, many of them killed by the Turks. Those he couldn't remove he avoids. He doesn't shake hands, doesn't touch. He's an island.

Yet Rufus's existence as an island has a single drawbridge, with just enough space to allow one person access. A Wutaian man that he trusts, that has got through a tiny chink in his otherwise impenetrable armour. Tseng. He's a Turk, a cold blooded killer like the rest, but with Rufus he's gentle. He's nearly died so many times, and when he was tortured by the Remnants, Rufus was so desperate to get him back he even asked me for help. Tseng returned, and Rufus recovered from the illness that was crippling him. I know that everyone recovered, but I think that for him, Tseng helped. It isn't that Tseng's his lover – though the way I have seen them look at each other such thoughts could be excused, and for all I know, t may be the case. Tseng is his everything. Tseng is his bodyguard, his teacher, his mentor, his friend. I don't think that Rufus could exist without him. Rufus is strong, but it is Tseng that gives him that strength. Without it, he'd be nothing.

I don't really know much about Elena, but she works as Tseng's partner. She was also captured by the Remnants, and like him rescued by Vincent's. She's the only one of the four main Turks that's female, and she makes mistakes. But she tries to fix them, and she's confident and friendly and happy. She's the most human of the lot. With Tseng spending more time with Rufus, Elena often visits, taking Yuffie out on shopping trips. I pity the poor shop owner who finds himself faced with them. I'm relatively sure they take without paying, and equally sure that the shop owner feels it's a fair price to see the back of them. The two of them have a lot in common, both with feelings for a dark haired man who's distant and ignores them. I'm sure they'll find the happiness they deserve, and it will be a relief for Tseng and Vincent when they're no longer being stalked. I'll see her occasionally in the bar, but only a couple of times a month.

Reno however is a permanent fixture in the Seventh Heaven. That's not really surprising, he likes to drink, and flirt, and wait for Rude to turn up and lead him home. Reno is possibly the most confusing set of memories – I have my own and Zack's, and often they contradict so much it doesn't feel like we're thinking about the same person. To me he is a loudmouth drunk, a skilled torturer and always confident, messing around with other men but always returning to Rude at the end of the night. To Zack he was something else. Zack's first memory of him is him as little more than a child, fifteen, standing there in bare feet and torn clothes, saying he wanted to be a Turk. A boy from the slums, from the worst sector. He'd had a bad start to life, that much was obvious just by looking at him, by seeing the scars on his face, carefully carved beneath his eyes. Flirting came naturally to him, but then, he'd had to survive somehow. Zack had taken him in, cared for him, helped him fill in the necessary forms to apply, and turned down Reno's offers of favours in return. They'd been together once, and Reno had been shocked when Zack had held him afterwards. He'd expected to be turfed out of bed once his use had been completed. He's more confident now, and I think his flirtations now are his way of ensuring Rude still cares.

Rude does care. To look at him, you'd think he was a monster, not a lover. He's tall, dark, bald. Eyes always hidden beneath sunglasses, face severe. He rarely talks, and the mere presence of him in an interrogation room is known to sometimes make a victim crack faster than anything Reno can do with his EMR. When I...it might have been Zack... yes, it was Zack who found out. When Zack found out that Rude and Reno were together, he was frightened for his friend. But despite his harsh appearance and aloof nature, Rude has been a devoted and kind boyfriend for Reno, protecting him. Reno's grown with his help into someone successful, someone who can look Platers in the eye and not feel that he belongs both physically and figuratively beneath them. This change in attitude has led to cockiness, but he deserves it more than most. Rude helped him recover after Reno was ordered to drop part of the plate, killing those beneath it so that we, AVALANCHE, would be blamed. Reno hated it but he did it, and now he's second in command of the Turks, and technically Rude's boss. Reno informed me when he was drunk that that made the bedroom interesting, but I think he was joking. Rude might tolerate Reno's games with others, but I doubt they're allowed when they're together.

Well I think that's everyone. Looking back on it, I can remember my own memories clearer, but I still have Zack's. They're a part of me, and I'm proud of them. I won't let them be taken away. I don't think I will burn this. I'll seal into a letter, and make sure I can return to it if I ever feel lost again. If I get to the point where I no longer need it, I will bury it, and then one day someone else can read this and try and see the world through my eyes. I hope that they understand how lucky I have been with my friends, and that they can see why I'm so proud to have had Zack as a guide, to have provided his memories with a vessel. I am honoured to have known him.

Well, I guess this is it. If you're reading this, you're either my future self, or someone who's found the letter. Don't let these memories die.

Cloud Strife.


End file.
